Everything good in my world is Green & Black

I am starving!

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 17:42:54 +0200

I can't stop thinking about food, and I'm so hungry that my stomach appears to think my throat has been cut!

I have to go shopping on an empty stomach, and that's usually a BAD idea.

I managed to stick fairly well to the Food Doctor idea, but couldn't do it properly due to lack of proper food. So I've had:

1 Slice wholemeal toast and an egg
1 cereal bar
Jacket potato with cheese & beans
Fruit smoothie.

*gurgle*

Trying to radiate positivity but boredom has set in now. I offered to take on the work of organising our picture library. Oh boy. Not that thrilling. Never mind, I *will* do this!!!

Comments

Radiating Positivity

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 12:31:33 +0200

Today is going to be a good day!

I've been reading the book, and the concept is that you have to really FEEL what you want. So, for example, I want to be slim. I want to have the most fantastic figure, and want to be able to wear gorgeous clothes from trendy shops.

I have to make myself feel how I'd feel if I had what I wanted. So...I'm writing it down (the preferred way of doing this is by talking through it all to yourself but let's face it, I can't do that at work and if I do it on the bus they will throw me off - or drop me at a 'special hospital')

So, in great detail, this is what I want, and why I want it, and how I'll feel when I get it.

I want to have a fabulous figure. I want to be gorgeous and curvy, and look absolutely stunning in expensive outfits from Karen Millen and Zara, and Jigsaw, and all the places I'd love to be able to go into. I want to go in and pick up a size twelve skirt, and try it on, and have it slip over my hips like it was made especially for me. I want to be able to see myself in the mirror in a gorgeous, trendy outfit and think 'My God you look good, woman'

I want to look like THAT in a jumper dress!

>" class="middle" border="0">

I want to walk into designer shops and have my pick of the clothes. I want to be able to go out wearing expensive, very fashionable clothes and look a million dollars in them, walking into clubs, bars and restaurants with TOTAL confidence that if anyone is staring at me it's because they like what I'm wearing.

I want to be super healthy, healthy and fit enough to run for miles effortlessly, and have sculpted, tight muscles that are strong and lean.

I want to buy a completely new wardrobe and kit it out from all the shops that only sell up to a size 16. I want to be able to afford the best clothes, and know that I have a fantastic, sexy body to fit into them. I'm going to feel so good when I hand over the money and walk out of the shops with a few of those exclusive little shopping bags that scream, "I'm rich enough and thin enough to shop in Karen Millen"

I want to be able to buy little sexy scraps of nothing in exclusive lingerie shops, and go out knowing that under my work clothes I'm wearing something absolutely gorgeous and decadent! I want to be able to come to work in smart clothes that make me look really good, and get admiring looks from people.

I really want to feel that I'm slim, and healthy for life. I want to accept that I'm slim, and enjoy every damn minute of being happy about my size, and looking good.

And I feel really good now, just imagining how bloody fantastic it is to be slim, have a fantastic figure, wear the best, most fashionable clothes, and be totally and absolutely confident in myself.

How's that!?

Oh, and the money thoughts are working!

I've sold two more books and been asked to do a 4 page test article for a pilot of a new magazine!

Comments

Life changing stuff

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 19:10:35 +0200

Well. I have to confess I have had a bit of a bad day. But I'm not going to go into that because I have been newly inspired!

Kinga (AKA 'The Minger') from Big Brother was on the front of HEAT this week, and OH my Goodness you should see her. She looks bloody amazing. And she followed a reasonable, healthy diet (by the Food Doctor) and did exercise that while it wasn't EASY - it was simple. If that makes sense. Nowt complicated.

KINGA

I never thought that a woman famous for pretending to have sex with a wine bottle could ever inspire me, but she did.

On top of that, I finally got around to buying the 'Excuse me, your life is waiting' book by Lynne Grabhorn.

Now, faffy as it sounds, the whole idea of it is that you get what you focus on. It kind of makes sense. For example, money. I'm constantly worrying about not having any of it, and it gets worse. I worry about being fat and I stay fat and get fatter. I'm apparently focussing on the wrong things...something to do with vibrations and physics...like attracts like. If you *vibrate* crap luck, you get more back. Look at Andy. He's been lucky all his life - he just expects it now and it happens. Two days in Australia and he's in a £35K job.

I used to be like that...until I started getting crap job luck and let myself focus on being scared I WOULDN'T get or keep jobs. And I haven't!

So...my focus is going to change, and from now on I'm looking at what I WANT and not what I can't have.

So, for starters...

There's a nice Tiffany's diamond necklace

And how about:

Well, when I find a picture of a nice Townhouse in London I'll post that too >" class="middle" border="0">

Dinner is served....I'm off to positively visualise and radiate positivity....

Comments

Oops

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 23:43:05 +0200

I have had a bad evening. :XX" class="middle" border="0">

I managed to force my lazy backside to the gym, and did a work out, but let myself get too hungry. When I got back I couldn't seem to help myself, and while dinner was cooking I ate three Edam slices, some crisps, some roast chicken slices...then had dinner...and then had a bag of crisps. Hardly a gargantuan binge of epic proportions but not ideal for a dieter either. Dinner was healthy though!

I was stressed and hungry. I've been worrying about money, the wedding is costing such a lot and I am in a financial mess. I'd write freelance articles until late at night every night if I could get the work, but I can't!

The one sellable asset I have is my *snif* books.

I've put my eight Marian Keyes books (mostly hardbacks) on eBay, and four Jane Greens, as lots. I've put another 50 separate books on Amazon. I don't really want to see them go as I'm quite attached to them, but I hope they go to good homes. If I sell them.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/help/seller/at-a-glance.html/202-3803624-3930218?seller=A1NZ5HM1WK36WK&marketplaceSeller=1

Have a look if you want any!

Anyway. M is away tonight, and I have a numb bum from sitting on this wooden chair putting books onto eBay and Amazon. Tomorrow is another day.

Any ideas for how to make money FAST - please let me know!

Comments

I'm hanging in there...

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 14:38:08 +0200

...but I am so bored!

I've planned my next month's staff newsletter as much as I can, done some research, gone through about 300 e-mails (200 of which were the same because somebody's server had a freak out!)

Now I'm just bored silly. Can't believe how bored I am in fact. La la la.

I have got Weight Loss Resources open, as well as this site, and all that's keeping me going is e-mail. It's days like this which make me want to eat rubbish I don't need, at least going downstairs gives me something to do!

Maybe I should do some job hunting?!

*sigh*

I just had chicken & sweetcorn sandwiches for lunch, and a Muller Healthy Balance yoghurt.

Only 3 hours and I'm outta here. I shall spend the rest of my boredom time making coffees and perhaps looking at pictures of Banff on the Electronic Interweb.

Comments

Monday - a triumph of hope against experience

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 10:40:36 +0200

Well, I really really enjoyed my bed last night. I'm obviously not as young as I think I am, because that 4 AM bed time left me worse than useless most of Sunday!

Anyway, I'm up this morning, back in the office, raring to go. Ish.

I had a delicious (ha ha) Slimfast shake for breakfast, because it's often all I can manage when I'm up at that time and disorganised as hell. Lunch is an M&S sandwich, because we have bugger all in the fridge, we are shopping on Tuesday night when M gets back from Newport.

I'm at the gym tonight, and I won't make excuses about why I can't go! I was 15 stone 10 this morning. Ouch. :XX" class="middle" border="0">:XX" class="middle" border="0">

Don't want to be at work at all, but that's nothing unusual.

Comments

Ooops

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 15:46:20 +0200

Well, I got through Friday night just fine. Stuck to the plan - teeny starter; tikka main course (no massala) with Pilau rice. No dessert. No coffee. A couple of Poppadoms, and diet coke in the pub (although I'm convinced I accidentally ended up with full fat instead...)

I was dead pleased with myself. I had a slight panic when I thought I'd left my purse at home...and I was treating M as it's HIS birthday meal. Luckily my loss of colour and panicked expression went unnoticed and I found the offending item, because if I *had* left it at home I would still have been hearing about 'the night I paid for my own birthday meal' on our 25th weddding anniversary!!!

Saturday was good, very busy...the guys bought their wedding outfits (or ordered them) and I managed to find the coat & boots I wanted for Canada in Next (I can NEVER find anything in Next as a rule. As it was, I tried on the size 16 in the shop and looked an arse)

A slight miscalculation about the true calorie value of the Panini in Cafe Nero meant that I had to economise all day (how was I supposed to know that the calorie figure on the back of the sandwich was per 100g, it's not as if they give you a set of scales on your table in the coffee shop is it?) and I only had an omelette & apple for dinner at 5pm.

L was trying on outfits in Monsoon for her bridesmaid dress, she looked lovely. Of course, they didn't have her size in stock in the right colour so she ended up in a candy pink version...for some reason she wouldn't let me take a photo on my phone...

I ordered the coat & boots from Next online, along with a top for going out, and a skirt. How come I get the new Christmas Directory book yesterday and by the time I had looked through and ordered (or tried to) half the stuff I liked was already sold out???

Anyway. I also found some cargo pants in Simply Be, and a pair of chocolate coloured jeans & some trousers in Wallis. Bang bang, ordered, debit card number given, OUCH. And the Next skirt is on a FIVE week delay!!! Oh well, it will stop me from wearing it before we go.

So.

The night was still young, I got to K's around 7pm and started drinking. They were all feasting on K's chilli, which smelled awesome, but I sat and steadfastly ignored it. Should have lined my stomach really, a little omelette isn't going to do much is it?

We ended up drinking loads in the Wetherspoons pub, because it was bloody cheap. £2.50 for a DOUBLE voddie & red bull! We were drinking it by the pitcher - well there were ten of us at one point. I tried to include a few diet cokes and waters but I put away quite an amount, then we got booted out of the pub & queued up for De Niro's.

De Niros is cheesey and tacky and I hadn't been there for five years, and it hasn't changed in those five years. We headed for the cheesiest bit where all the eighties cheese was being wheeled out, strutted to 'Hey Mickey' and 'I will survive' (told you it was cheese) and eventually got fed up during a Queen megamix, especially as it was apparently Guns & Roses next. So we moved into the main part of the club...where they were doing a NINETIES clasic dance megamix...blimey, nostalgia-tastic.

We could have pulled, between the five of us that made it to the club, SEVERAL times over last night. Mind you, that would have been if we were either NOT fussy at all, blindingly desperate, or wearing beer goggles. At one point I said to J that if she was in some kind of a 'pull a minger' contest, she'd won outright with the odd-looking and quite persitant bespectacled Japanese guy.

K had beer tipped all over her feet and handbag, then to add insult, was followed by an irritating specimen who kept invading our space, and clearly fancied K. How many times do you need to turn your back on a guy, walk away from him, and blatantly ignore him before he realises you don't fancy him!?

Oh, and another guy walked up to K and said "I'm feeling really horny tonight"

Lost for words, I think she mumbled something back which roughly translated meant "Well, I'm not, so sod off"

By 2 AM we'd all been kicked out of De Niros too, so we walked back to K's and decided we wanted her breakfast 'McMuffins' at 3:00. So all in all, I didn't do VERY well, although I suspect being on my feet all day (in town for three hours, then out on the town for six) may have burned some of it off.

I'm paying for my indulgences today though. I thought I'd got away with it scot-free but sadly although I'm relatively headache-free I have a minging upset tummy. Oh dear

I reckon I put away 2500 calories yesterday, and 30% of them were from alcohol...I'll be on BRAVO TV 'Booze Nation' for binge drinking if I'm not careful!! It makes me laugh how many kids there were clinging to lamp posts looking as if they were going to hurl. There was no drunken indiscretion from our group...mind you there wasn't much to work with if any of us HAD been tempted!

Anyway. After about 4 hours sleep, I was awake and Matt came to get me at 11. I've had a nice long bath to wash the smoke & stink of De Niros out of my hair, and now I intend to chill out and do very little all the rest of the day. I may have slipped up a little, but back on the wagon again today!

Comments

Boiler remains uncondemned - went for a celebratory run!

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 12:23:27 +0200

Phew!!!!

The boiler is just getting old (it's two years younger than my beloved) and needs a new valve & thermostat. The bits are available, it's not been condemned to the scrapheap in the sky, and I can breathe a huge sigh of relief that we are looking at a bill of £120 odd instead of £2000 odd!

>" class="middle" border="0">

Anyway, to celebrate I went for a ralk (run/walk) and did a bit more than yesterday. I was stopped by a woman driving past asking for directions while I was mid-walk - she must have thought I was on death's door as I panted and puffed out the directions to the local nursery. She did look rather concerned...

Anyway, I was offered a bit of the Thornton's cake when I got home, which I gratefully accepted (it's OK, it was a teeny bit and accounted for in my daily total) and I savoured it with a mug of lemon & ginger tea.

I'm going to earn myself another 95 calories in a minute by doing my weight training...

Lunch is going to be Healthy Choice soup; a slice of bread & Olivio; chopped apples & fresh strawberries and a dollop of organic Greek yoghurt. Or I might save the fruit & yoghurt until mid afternoon...

That will HOPEFULLY see me through until 8pm when it's dinner time...

Comments

Just a quickie

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 09:39:30 +0200

I'm waiting for the gas engineer to condemn our boiler to the great scrap heap in the sky, so this will be short

I've not had a bite to eat yet today. Breakfast is planned (cereal) as is lunch...and the Indian accounted for. I'm going to try & escape when my beloved is back from his Doctors appointment (gas engineer AND doctor on your birthday!?) as someone has to be in for the ominous knock of British Gas....get out for my *run* and a walk maybe?

Jeans are feeling tight (straight out of the wash) and I haven't eaten yet! I'm bloated with PMS anyway. Hmmm. Nice. Oh well.

I'll post again later if there's anything to tell...

>" class="middle" border="0">

Comments

Hope you like the background...

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 20:16:41 +0200

....I changed it on special request!

This will probably be my last entry for a while, unless I get a chance tomorrow. I'm feeling good, if a bit wobbly in the arms. I decided to add to my fitness routine and do some tried & tested weight moves that will hopefully get shot of some of the bingo from my wings. The dress is very short sleeved!

Dinner was yummy, those Quorn things are going in the basket next week as well. Quorn do some scrummy stuff. And it's all really low cal - the two burgers (yes, I had two, well, I didn't think one would keep all on it's own) came to 180 odd calories. With a massive plateful of carrots, broccoli and sprouts *parp* Oops and a Potato Rosti thing, that should keep me full until morning...

My beloved will be home around nine, so I plan to eat my dessert, then watch Eastenders, have a shower, pretty myself up a bit (I'm in 'day-off-work and nobody to see' slobs as I type) and get the kettle on for him. Aren't I nice to him? Bless, he's been in a boring, horrid sales meeting all day and has to drive MILES home. AND we've got the gas engineer coming out tomorrow ON HIS BIRTHDAY

Fingers crossed we don't need a new boiler. Or this could be a very short-lived diet. (Yeah, like comfort eating is going to help us afford a new boiler DUMBASS)

No, I will be strong. I will resist all attempts to persuade me into desserts on Friday night (Indian restaurant desserts are a bit rank anyway) >" class="middle" border="0">

And I will have JUST ONE glass of wine. And no liquer coffees. Or Naan Breads.

And on SATURDAY I will go out with the girls and NOT get steaming drunk. That will avoid me (a) getting fatter (b) having a hangover (c) spending all the money I have left for the month by 8th October, on vodka and stuff!

See ya later!

Comments

I heart Weight Loss Resources

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 15:55:21 +0200

I love that site.

http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/lostart.htm

I looked at the paltry 1390 calorie allowance and I thought 'I'll never do it'

But decided to give it my best shot.

My earlier exercise, followed by a 45 minute walk, has taken my allowance up to 1700 calories, and I intend to save a few of those for tomorrow so I don't have to go hungry ALL day to manage to squeeze in the pizza!

>" class="middle" border="0">

That also means that if I can keep it up, I should also be able to allow myself a few glasses on wine out with K and the girls on Saturday. Life is sweet

Comments

Start as we mean to go on

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 12:50:55 +0200

I just ran.

Well, sort of. I walked, then ran, then walked, then ran....for ten minutes, just around the block. Am now sweaty and slightly out of breath, but this is ALL GOOD I'm sure.

I can save some calories in advance for tomorrow this way! Am also going to walk down town and get a magazine later. And may do some toning exercises. I have to say, the walk/run shifted my minging headache. Even though I scared a couple of ducks and attracted some bemused stares.

Nobody looks twice at a thin person jogging, but if you're a big girl and you have boobs that threaten to take your eye out as soon as you start pounding the pavement, it's carte blanche for strangers to stare at you!

Oh well. My plan is to do this daily - until I can run the whole way around the block. Then see where I go!

Comments

Planning ahead

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 10:36:07 +0200

...and I just attempted to plan for tomorrow - my beloved's birthday. Oh blimey. Do you KNOW how many calories are in Indian restautant food?

So...why do you not see many fat people from India?

Oh well. Tandoori chicken it is, then. But I'm allowing myself some of his Thorntons cake (well, I've been stashing it in the cupboard for two days) but when I looked at the calories in a Naan bread...that's nearly half my daily allowance! EEK! Will be giving that a miss, too.

All this talk of food is making me hungry so I'm off to savour my cereal...

Comments

Welcome to the new, slimmer version

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 09:35:14 +0200

The first thing I did this morning was get up and weigh myself. The true horror awaited me...15 stone 11. That's the fattest I've ever been, 2.5 months before my wedding. Hell, this is going to be hard work.

I planned my days food on Weightloss Resources. They say I should be on 1399 calories, which seems a little strict. Still we shall see how I get on. I'm not doing anything energetic today as I'm off work again.

I even woke up with heartburn, that can't be a good sign.

My day will be as follows:

Breakfast: Cinnamon Grahams, milk, half a tin of Del Monte fruit.
Lunch: Big Soup Beef Broth, toast & spread; apple
Dinner: Potato, spinach & mozarella rosti; mixed steamed veg; Quorn burger
Snacks; Rest of tinned fruit

That takes me to 1379. After guzzling 3500 plus yesterday, I should have some in reserve though....>" class="middle" border="0">

Comments

Oh Crikey

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 23:44:32 +0200

I just went on 'Weightloss resources.co.uk'

I did the three day trial membership and added in all my food for the day. Do you know how many calories I consumed?

Total 3653.2

The funny thing is though, I'm balanced - I got about 35% fat when target was 30%, I got about 19% protein when the target was 15%, and I got 46% carbs when I should aim for 55%

So I am on a low carb diet!

I just ate three days worth of food in one go. Aw shucks.

Going to bed now.

Comments

Why heartburn?

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 23:00:09 +0200

Just thought I'd explain that title...I have been getting rancid heartburn for the last week or so, no doubt because I've been eating like a truffle pig.

It begs the question - why do I carry on overeating, even when it's making me feel bad? Hmmmm, $64million question.

But you know, I looked at the wedding ring we picked up at the weekend tonight. All sparkling and full of promise. How can I not make an effort for the big day? He deserves a slightly-less-fat bride, even though he loves me the way I am. I'm sure he'd fancy me more if I wasn't quite so squidgy.

It broke my heart looking around Bluewater and realising that almost every shop we went in didn't cater for me. FFS, I'm not 20 stone or anything! I'm not a freakshow circus act, I just eat a bit too much, too often! I could have cried. If anything will get me slim, it's the wedding and the constant reinforcement that I am too damn fat for trendy clothes...

:-[" class="middle" border="0">

Damn clothes designers. I mean, EVANS, don't get me started. They design clothes for middle aged matrons with huge tummies. Compared to my arse, my waist is actually quite little, so I don't need the extra material. Evans jeans come with a built in apron, which hangs unflatteringly over my tum like a reminder that fat girls don't deserve to look good. I swear, I was pining for being a size 14 again looking around those out-of-bounds shops.

Also, I'm 34. I'm not going to be able to wear all the trendy stuff I want to EVER if I don't get my arse into gear soon. I'm already well past Top Shop (I can't even get in the SHOP let alone the clothes) but it's so unfair, I feel as if life is pasing me by and it's all my own fault. :XX" class="middle" border="0">

Is it an eating disorder? I dunno, maybe it's just a stopping-eating disorder. I have to beat this though.

I've got M's birthday on Friday (curry and drinks out) and then a girls night on the town with K on Saturday. Much drinking and stuff. However, apart from that, I can be good. I will start NOW. Not tomorrow or next Monday, but NOW. At 21:59 on Wednesday 5th October.

Wish me luck.

Anyone got any Rennies? This sodding heartburn is the pits!

Comments

Heartburn

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 22:23:08 +0200

Welcome to my world.

I've been blogging on and off (mostly off, recently) for a bit, but kept it to myself. I'm now about to share my scarey world with anyone who wants to read it, because....now listen....

I want to get skinny.

I'm getting married in precisely 76 days. Oh...sweet...Jesus. I'm HUGE. I was supposed to be slim by my wedding, I started a diet in January (as does half the bloated, post-Christmas bloat-fest population) but it kind of faltered.

I had my measurements taken at the weekend.

This was for the dress, so allows a couple of extra inches.

43 inch bust (I'm a 36FF)
39 inch waist
53 (yes, that's 53) inch arse.

How did I ever manage to get this big? Well I can tell you. I ate too much. I love food, I'm a bit of an addict actually, and I can't stop eating. When I'm miserable - scoff, munch, burp. Same if I'm bored (and hell, is my job dull)

BUT no more! Or should I say BUTT no more.

When I met the man I am marrying in less than three months, I was about 150 pounds, and a UK size 14. I was looking good back then. Admittedly I was also 25 years old, but hey. We had the BEST time that summer of 1996. Who needs food when you're that loved up, the pheremones make you dizzy and you just can't get enough of each other!?

I now weigh around 220 pounds. Put like that it's frightening. How did I gain 70 pounds in less than 10 years? It's a very long story, full of blame and incrimination, but I'm not going into that again. It's one of those been there, done that, and told bloody everyone type stories.

So, here I am, all 220 sexy pounds of me, wanting to be 200 pounds by 23rd December, when I officially become a Mrs. So, how am I going to do this?

I'm going to tell you what I eat, and that'll be enough to stop me being a pig. Do you want to know what I ate today? OK, here goes.

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, smoked bacon on toast. With a can of Heinz beans & veggie sausages that needed using up from the fridge

Snacks: Bag of salt and vinegar crisps; Golden Grahams cereal bar; WHOLE BOX of Green & Black's Organic chocolate thin biscuits (throughout the day, but still oinkingly bad)

Lunch: Pasta in sauce with tuna stirred in & cheese on top; Chocolate & hazelnut mousse

Dinner: Beef in Shiraz ravioli; parmesan cheese; Panacotta dessert

Drinks: Coffees; Vanilla Chai; Water; fruit smoothie.

All thos calories and no trace of any veggies or much fruit. And I did no exercise. If I carry on like this I'll be getting married WEARING the marquee!!!

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

Comments

Everything good in my world is Green & Black

I am starving!

Radiating Positivity

Life changing stuff

Oops

I'm hanging in there...

Monday - a triumph of hope against experience

Ooops

Boiler remains uncondemned - went for a celebratory run!

Just a quickie

Hope you like the background...

I *heart* Weight Loss Resources

Start as we mean to go on

Planning ahead

Welcome to the new, slimmer version

Oh Crikey

Why heartburn?

Heartburn

I heart Weight Loss Resources